Interlude of Guilt
by Yoshitsune
Summary: While in the Ame no Torifune, Katsuya angsts over his and his brother's feelings for Maya.


**Interlude of Grief**

Long after the others have fallen asleep on the floor around me, I sit on the altar where my brother Tatsuya was almost killed just a few short hours ago. We're deep in the heart of Ame-no-Torifune, the gigantic ship created centuries ago through the power of rumor. I don't quite understand why the simple act of spreading a rumor now makes the rumor true, but Tatsuya says that it's all the doing of the Crawling Chaos, Nyarlathotep.

Tatsuya remembers, the only one of us who fully does, what it's like on the Other Side. Maya's remembering more each day, and maybe she remembers it all by now - I've been afraid to ask. Afraid she'll tell me she does remember it: her friends...her death...her feelings for Tatsuya.

Tatsuya frowns in his sleep, probably reliving the ordeal, seeing enemies wearing the faces of his closest friends. He carries around such guilt and sorrow, but he's had the courage to face it down to protect all of us. After seeing Tatsuya fight the specters of his past, I've come to a realization. I can never be as brave as he is. Sad, huh? But it's true...no matter how much I try to fool myself, I'll never be able to tell Maya how I feel about her. Tatsuya...loves her. Oh, I know he has feelings for that idol singer Lisa Silverman as well, and I'm not entirely sure that his feelings for that boy Jun are simply platonic. But he and Maya share deeper feelings...one so deep that he set out to change the world, undoing his entire past, to save her. That's why I can't come between them.

That's not to say that I don't wonder what things might have been like if things had been exactly as they seemed. If there hadn't been another world under the surface, and another Tatsuya, to keep anything from happening; if...

But the only way I met Maya was through the hunt for the Joker, and without the Other Side, none of it would have happened. And however much it hurts inside the way things are now, I wouldn't give up the friendship of Maya and the others, or finding just how much I admire my brother. So...not an option. I've resigned myself to the fact that I can never have Maya. But dammit, it hurts that there's no one for me.

Yes, Ulala's always flirted with me, but it's nothing personal...she flirts with Baofu and Tatsuya, too. I don't think she would say no if I were to ask her for something permanent, but I couldn't do that. She's desperate to get married, but she deserves someone better - someone who can love her.

Eriko? Even if I felt anything more than friendship for her, as a model she's completely out of my league. And she has a secret love too. I guess I should feel lucky - at least I haven't been carrying a torch since high school, the way she has. Keeping my feelings secret for that long would be torture. I admire her for having that inner strength, though...it's something I'll have to learn.

No, the only woman I want is Maya. And part of me clings to that tiny kernel of hope that she'll choose me over Tatsuya; I can't manage to eradicate that selfish part of myself that doesn't care about my brother's feelings, and I have to admit that I don't really want to.

I've spent my life taking care of others; I became a policeman like my father because I need to be able to give something back, protect those who can't protect themselves, but it's starting to wear. I didn't always want to be a policeman - when I was young, I wanted to be a patissier. But after our father's disgrace, I gave it up so that I could become a policeman. I always hoped (foolishly, I guess) that I could someday clear his name. Now I know the man who was responsible, and it seems fitting that I be part of the group to stop him in his mad plans.

But lately, my thoughts have wandered to my choices in life, and my options now. Why am I still in the force? I've considered giving it up, resigning and maybe opening a bakery. But I've been focused on being a policeman for so long, I don't even know if I can do anything else. And I'll probably end up staying on the force, if we survive, for lack of anything better to strive for. I'll work to bring Tatsuya truly back into this world, and help him deal with the pain from the Other Side. And when it's time, I'll give him and Maya my blessing - the greatest gift I possibly can.

A/N: I wrote this story years ago after finishing EP, because I felt that they hadn't devoted the game time to Katsuya's feelings and problems that they did to everyone else's. So I figured he needed a chance to say his piece.


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